Ever notice how even the most seasoned execs abandon rational judgment during heated negotiations? That’s the lizard brain taking over.
During Happy Summit, business therapist Michel Zelnick shared how this ancient neurological circuitry undermines our executive functioning–and provided counterintuitive strategies to keep things in check when emotions run high.
Understanding Your Three-Part Brain
Your brain consists of three key regions that influence your reactions to challenges:
- The Lizard Brain (Reptilian Brain): The most primitive part at the base of your brain focuses exclusively on survival. It’s fully formed at birth and always vigilant for threats. When activated, it limits your ability to be understanding or compassionate.
- The Middle Brain (Paleomammalian Brain): This automatic response region houses your emotions, memories, and habits. It operates 15 times faster than your rational mind and makes decisions before you’re even consciously aware of them.
- The Walnuts (Prefrontal Cortex): Located just behind your forehead, this “wise mind” provides perspective and judgment. It’s the observer that asks, “Does this matter?” and helps control impulsive reactions in response.
The challenge? Your lizard brain activates instantly during high-stress moments, while your walnuts shut down precisely when you need them most.
Recognizing When You’re in “Lizard Mode”
You’re operating from your lizard brain when you find yourself thinking or saying:
✖ “They always do this...”
✖ “They never listen...”
✖ “That’s so unfair...”
✖ “What a jerk...”
✖ “They just don’t understand...”
When you catch yourself using these “absolutes” your rational brain has likely gone offline. In lizard mode, you only have four strategies: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn—none of which solve complex problems within relationships.
Practical Strategies to Activate Your Wise Mind
- Take strategic timeouts: When tensions rise, call a timeout and schedule a specific time to reconnect. Most problems begin as small issues that weren’t handled properly the first time.
- Oscillate your schedule: Don’t pack stressful meetings back-to-back. Otherwise, you might lose your “walnuts,” hindering you from showing up as your best for those third and fourth meetings.
- Use centering techniques: Look at images of nature, take deep breaths to reset your system, and step outside briefly if possible.
- Give yourself and others grace: Sometimes, our “outside voice” emerges unintentionally. Imperfections are what make us human and unique as individuals. Embrace them.
- Practice proper repair: Don’t just say “sorry.” Be specific. Owning even 10% of the problem reduces tension significantly.
- Implement a draft policy: Don’t send emails, texts, or leave voicemails when emotions are running high. Draft messages, review them the next day, and avoid that “lizard mode” language.
Framework for Having Difficult Conversations
When you need to address challenges with colleagues, partners, or even friends and family:
- Start with your intentions: Begin by clearly stating why you’re initiating the conversation. This immediately reduces defensive reactions.
- Acknowledge past challenges: “When we’ve discussed this before, things went south” or “I tend to overreact to these situations.” Naming potential pitfalls creates safety.
- Set measurable expectations: Vague requests like “be more respectful” can’t be measured. Define specific, observable behaviors you’re looking for.
- Provide timely feedback: Don’t wait for annual reviews to address issues. Address situations promptly, only after emotions have settled for all parties involved.
- Return to the beginning: If your first attempt doesn’t work, don’t give up. Return to your intentions and try again. Building trust requires persistence.
Remember: The battle between you and another person is less important than the battle happening between your ears. Win the internal battle, and you’ll have a much better chance of resolving the external one.
